Hang in there! Finally feeling like myself again

Finding myself again

It’s been a weird few months. There was a lot of negative energy in the air just before Christmas time at work and things were not okay. I didn’t feel good and it was grating on me. I had just the most beautiful holiday in Thailand over Christmas and felt relaxed and thankful when I returned to Shanghai. I was refreshed and happy to jump back into routine. I was hoping that work would be better. I was hoping that my colleagues would be recharged and refreshed after some time away, and that sort of happened, but I was still sad and things were just not right. I didn’t feel like myself. I was so bummed out all the time and just cried often.  I felt so bad and so guilty when I would come home from work dejected and exhausted. It wasn’t fair to Bernard to have to constantly cheer up my gloomy ass.

In order to get through the day without crying (sometimes for no reason it felt like), I would look up inspirational quotes, listen to lively music, and decorate my classroom as brightly as possible to keep myself feeling light. I’m really good at putting on a happy face, and it really doesn’t take much to make me happy, but it had felt like for the past couple of months – pretty much since I started at my new job – that I was forcing a smile and it was getting really difficult and taking too much effort. The hostility and bitterness in the hallways coupled with the very low English levels and even lower motivation from the students in class was really getting to me. I won’t even mention the consistent behavior issues and the lack of satisfactory consequences. Work life was getting to me and it was seeping into my personal life by just getting me down all the time.

As I walked to work one day with my head held high, positive tunes blasting through my headphones, I heard “No day but today!” over and over. I started to say this to myself. Who cares what happened yesterday! If you were wrong, so what? Today you can be right. There is no day but today. Don’t think about tomorrow and stress out about things you cannot control. No day but today!

I got to school feeling uplifted and ready for whatever could be thrown at me. I kept repeating in my head, no day but today. It helped me get through my anxiety and my sadness. Then, when I really needed to, I pulled up a search for inspirational quotes. I found many, but one stayed with me so much that I shared it with my students on the last week before Chinese New Year holiday and they remembered it up until we said goodbye for vacation:

“If your heart is broken, make art with the pieces” – Shane L. Koyczan

I recognized the name from a TED talk I watched about bullying. This quote really spoke to me! I often feel like when I’m really sad, like so sad that breathing takes effort, I need to “make art”. I’ve wanted to write a blog for so long now, just getting my thoughts on paper and letting myself be calmed by the flow of words onto the page – but like I said, I haven’t felt like myself lately.

When I get home from work, I want to curl up in a blanket and watch mindless TV or cute dog videos that make me laugh so I can go to bed happy. I want to eat comfort food until my tummy hurts so much that I’m physically sick which is easier than feeling mentally sick. I don’t want to write. I don’t want to read. I just want to exist in the easiest form possible.

You know how they say, “Time heals all wounds”? It’s true! Now, I’m impatient as hell so this really pissed me off to think about the fact that I had to “wait” to be happy! Haha.

 I was Skyping with my mom one day – weeks after she had pried out of me that I had been sad at work and was having a really hard time. Anyway, one day I just had a good day. It was a Monday and I spent the weekend feeling a lot of anger and guilt within myself. I decided to reflect, read, get together with positive and energetic people who like me and value my friendship. I surrounded myself with love. I got up early, had a shower, got dressed, and cleaned the house all before noon – and I let myself be proud of that. I thought about my lesson plans and let myself feel like I was a good teacher because of that. I stopped being nervous and fearful and consumed by others’ negativity, and I thought, “Wait a minute. This is my life! This is my job and I am here for a reason. I deserve to be included and listened to and valued!” I had a very refreshing weekend of reflection so on that Monday, I had a good day. I just felt marginally better, but it made a difference.

So I hopped on Skype on Monday evening – our weekly routine, Mom and I. I told her that I had a decent day and carried on with the conversation. Then she said, “You know what, Sarah? You sound like yourself again.” And I lost my shit. I just cried. It was the best kind of cry. It was a “you understand me and said exactly what I needed to hear” kind of cry. I felt so unbelievably good to be myself. I thought, wow, I’m a good person. If being myself makes me have a good day, then I should be myself more often.

Some people recently have told me that words mean nothing and it is all about actions, but I would have to disagree a little bit. I’m a big words person! If someone says, “Have a good day!” it means the world to me when I’ve had a rough day. If someone says, “Nice dress!” it means the world to me if I feel ugly. Words are so powerful and these days, in my time of “offness” where I’ve felt not like myself, I hold onto any positive words I hear and keep them with me.

I’m the kind of person who really appreciates hearing “Thank you” and “You’re so nice!” and positive affirmations that I’m a good person. I understand that you cannot just expect things like that and you need to be able to understand and know within yourself that you are a good person and you don’t need to hear thank you to know that what you did was a good gesture. I’m still working on this, but I’ll get there. It’s still nice to hear appreciation though.

Another quote I read that has truly changed my life – and I don’t care if that sounds stupid because at the time I read it, I really and truly needed to read it. I found a quote that just simply says:

“I require happiness.”

It is this quote that made me forgive myself and find the positivity in day-to-day life. It is this quote that made me stop putting so much energy into people who do not appreciate me or even respect me. It is this quote that made me actively look for another job, because clearly I am unhappy for whatever reason and I need to find a place where I can be as happy as Bernard is. I require happiness! It’s not even so much a deserving thing but an actual requirement. Some people keep saying “You’re not going to love everyone you work with or everything about your job, etc.” This is true. But I require happiness. If I can be happy, why shouldn’t I be happy? Already in the process of sending out resumes and looking to transfer to another campus within my current company, I feel a million pounds lighter. All the negativity around me is much easier to take when I know I won’t feel it next year.

When I finally had a meeting with a head honcho about transferring and it began with him saying he didn’t know who I was or why I was there… instead of get angry, dejected, sad, and upset (which I will admit, I felt a little bit… I mean I’m only human!), I laughed it off. I came home, messaged Bernard to meet me at our favourite little wonton restaurant, and I told him the story of my horrific meeting and laughed it off. At this point, it’s all just amusing and I have to just take what comes to me and let it happen. I cannot control other people, but you better believe I can control how I perceive things and I’ll be damned if I’m anything but at peace from now until the end of June. I require happiness and I shall find peace!

So instead of stressing so hard about finding a new job, I’m simply letting life play out, and as I put myself out there, I’m going to remember that I will not settle for anything less than what I want. I’ve tasted job satisfaction multiple times and I can’t wait to do it again. The sad thing is for me to be satisfied at work doesn’t take much… just a few simple smiles and a little value and appreciation. For now, I will smile at myself and value and appreciate myself, because I require happiness!

Thank you for reading! I appreciate you as a reader. Sorry for not writing anything funny or adventurous, but I had to find myself again and just feel better. I’m headed on another beautiful journey in South East Asia so you’ll be hearing about multiple adventures when I find the desire to take my pen to paper notes and computerize them. I promise to do it soon.

I’ll leave you with a quote from one of my favourite books ever, Eat Pray Love. A quote that I really need to listen to and adopt far more than I do: “Let your mind be free from useless suffering.” I hope that today, you can empty your mind of “useless suffering” and reflect on how amazing of a person you are and how you add such meaning to this crazy little thing called life. If you feel that actions speak louder than words, pretend that I am reaching out to hug you! J If me saying it is enough, well then, I hope I made you smile and feel warm and fuzzy. It’s a great feeling that I hope to feel more often these days!

Yours optimistically,

Sarah positive vibes Wun