Yesterday was my long 437892687543 hour Sunday with back to back classes all of which were two hours. The day before, I came off of work just before 10pm. I had to get up at 7:00am the next day to prepare for Sunday. I was pretty drained but hopeful. Weekends are busy, rushy, but full of potential and always filled with exceptional learning opportunities.
Today I had a teaching evaluation from one of the big dogs at my company. Correction: He pretty much started the company in China and I was feeling exceptionally intimidated and nervous. Why? I don't know. I know what I'm doing. I'm comfortable and confident with my teaching and my classes; but for some reason, I couldn't shake the nerves. My LP was feeling extra nervous because she could sense my anxiety and could see me flustered. I busied around the room and flew through my first class without a hitch. The second class began very well. I was prepared, planned, and owning. The students were mildly engaged and giving me adequate attention. I played a few games and got the kids moving a little bit before the break.
Then, the evaluator came in. The kids changed. They were quiet, unenthused, and just "over it" it seemed. I let them have their break and skimmed my lesson plan a billion times to see what I could do to beef it up. I only had what I had, so I improvised with my resources and tried to engage the learners in an interactive activity about furniture in a room (the target concepts). I asked questions about beds, sofas, lamps, etc. The room felt squashed as I had more learners than usual (due to make up students from other classes needing to catch up), so I didn't have the opportunity to move around as much. A few of the learners, as usual, watched me bright eyed, big smiles, and waited for my cues. Others looked at me like "bitch, please". My LP was also waiting for cues and seemed a little nervous and confused about my plan.
We made it work and all in all, the class was successful in that I hit the target language and involved all but two students (these two students were not even on the same planet as me -- moving their chairs out of the circle and not wanting to speak to me at all. With 15 children, I cannot cater to two kids who won't even throw me the smallest of bones, so I continued encouraging them and giving them the opportunity to try, but no). I went over time because kids kept wanting to run to the bathroom, which I was unsure of the protocol. The students are allowed two bathroom breaks in two hours, which I think is sufficient... but if a child needs the bathroom, who am I to say no? I didn't know what to do, so I let it happen. Because of this, I was left alone in the class without my LP for about 20 minutes, which has never happened before.
Long story short, there were a lot of variables making this class unpredictable and a little bumpy; however, I hit my targets and got most of the students to speak the sentences and all of them to at least name the furniture vocabulary.
Now came time for my evaluation. While the evaluator went to find my LP, I went and put the resources away. I found my friend S who asked me how it went. I said horribly and that I was worried I wouldn't pass. Then I kind of chuckled and said I was excited about feedback from such a well known man with 5 years of experience at the company (P.S. the company is 5 years old!!!) so I couldn't wait to sit down with him.
I went into the room with my LP and he spoke to us about our positives (being friendly, kind, entertaining, enthusiastic, and talkative). He told me I should have done a lot more student centred activities, but I felt that my students didn't understand the content and therefore couldn't speak it confidently, so I did a lot more teacher direction than I guess I should have... He gave me a lot of tips about how to construct my lesson plans so that I was certain I'd have at least group to group student interaction. I was really happy to hear that his strategies were things I have done in the past, and would do but I didn't think of at the time.
All in all, I enjoyed the evaluation. It was fairly positive and filled with feedback, which I appreciated. I was getting little feedback and tips apart from "You're doing a good job" so I enjoyed hearing "do this and here's how". That was cool.
Then he flipped the page and said "I'm going to make a copy for each of you and put it in your file and give you a copy. Please sign here" before moving his pencil toward the marking scheme. There were four or five categories. UNACCEPTABLE (hilarious. Yea right...) BELOW STANDARDS MEETS STANDARDS ABOVE STANDARDS and I think there was one that said QUEEN OF EVERYTHING
He took his pencil and circled BELOW STANDARDS. Instantly, my eyes began to water.
What? But... but... I'm a teacher.
Never have I received any kind of evaluation of my teaching that has been anything less than an above average. This was a big blow to the ego, for sure. I knew it wasn't my best class, but I knew that I kept my energy up, finished my lesson plan perfectly, hit target language, had every student speak and generally entertained... Below standards?
He shook my hand and left. I burst into tears. My LP looked insanely uncomfortable. She wasn't used to raw emotions and "losing face" so to speak. I didn't expect to cry at work. I didn't want to! I was so embarrassed but I couldn't help it. She said, "Oh no, what's wrong?" and I said "I don't know..." and she said "The class was great. You were great. What is wrong? Don't worry" in a panic and frantic way to get me to stop crying. I said, "I know. I'm fine. I just need to cry it out." and she said "Have a rest. Feel better" and left. I sat down at my computer and opened it. I realized I had one more class and I hadn't even started the lesson plan. I burst into tears again.
I hadn't cried over my job yet. Last year, I cried minutely. Like, curl into a ball and rock back and forth cry. This was a typical overwhelmed/stressed/weekends are insane/below standards?!?!?! cry. To me below standards meant that I did something so wrong it would hold me back. Am I fired? Am I on probation? Will he tell my boss? Will I be penalized? Am I not a good fit for this company? I just couldn't stop thinking all these stupid thoughts and crying. I shook it off eventually and just sat and sobbed while I wrote my lesson plan. I had shit to do! So I did it with a stained, red face.
Then I eventually heard a knock at the door. I assumed it was my LP so I just kept typing. Then I saw a chocolate bar and a freshly squeezed apple juice. "I think you need this." It was S. I burst out crying again. I wept and told her I wasn't used to not being the BEST teacher and I couldn't believe I didn't at least MEET expectations. She told me not to worry and to look at it as EVERYone can improve and if I was "perfect" already, I wouldn't have a need to consider improving my lessons, etc. She was right. We talked frankly about the company, teaching, life, and how awesome she was for giving me treats.
My LP came back and asked if I was feeling better. Then we sat down and talked about our performance and how we both knew that it was a rough class and it's only been a few weeks and we know we'll grow as a team. We then talked about how things went for her previously and how I planned on bettering the class. Then we just talked about life. It was great. The language barrier impeded us at times, but I loved feeling connected to her outside of talking about our students.
I ran into another colleague who told me, "We've all been there. Just know that you can't meet standards this early on and you already accept the feedback and plan on improving immediately, so that's a really positive way to look at it." I was feeling great.
My moment of anger, sadness, despair, and all kinds of extreme yet irrational emotions were being wiped away by the closeness I was feeling from my colleagues. I felt like this "below standards" review sparked multiple conversations and made me realized I was loved and supported at work.
I washed the red from my face and hiked out to hunt for food. Sidebar: I found this cute little Chinese kiosk where I got pork on a crispy bun, red bean congee, and seaweed salad for 13Y (that's like $2!!!). For those of you who aren't impressed, that's a solid meal that would easily cost $10 back home! Easily! I was SO happy. Y'all know how food raises my spirits.
The last class of the day went great. I was feeling uplifted and relaxed that the evaluation was over. The content was fun (do you want to [verb]? yes I want to [verb]) so I had fun with it. I brought in paintbrushes and Hawaiian leis for "paint" and "dance" and we danced around and painted. I used the feedback to create a new group activity, and by the end of class, a student who couldn't tell me what colour my shirt was (it's blue... easy as shit. A 2 year old could tell me... just saying) was asking me "Do you want to dance?" and dancing around. It was adorable. Does she understand what she's saying? Maybe not... but it's only week 2. Get ready week 6, 7, 8... ;)
So at the end of the day, when someone tells you that you are below standards, prove them so wrong that wrong becomes right. :)
Sincerely,
Sarah BITCHPLEASEYOUWISHYOUTAUGHTLIKEME Wun-of-the-best-teachers-of-all-time
P.S. If I find a thrift store, I am going to buy a trophy, bring it to work and tell my students that I won the teacher olympics. I will also do this at all of my teaching jobs from now on. Like a boss.
P.S.S. Hasn't this evaluator heard the majestic words via drawing of Paul Bryant:
"Today, Graduate. Tomorrow, Teacher. In the future, dictator of the Global Curriculum!"
DAMN STRAIGHT! :)
