I couldn’t resist it when I saw a new event open up at the
Shanghai Healing Home for Saturday, November 14th. I signed up
immediately weeks ago and after a long and hard week, I had mixed feelings about
heading to the orphanage.
I’m not really sure why, but lately I’ve been feeling a lot
of hate for my cleft lip and palate. Don’t get me wrong; I don’t ever “like”
it, but most of the time we can exist in each other’s space without notice. I
was consumed with researching about cleft lip, the side effects and symptoms,
the likelihood of ME having a baby with a facial difference, and generally
feeling sorry for myself for realistically little reason.
Friday was a stupid day and I kind of wanted to cancel my
day at the orphanage the next day, but then I thought why? I felt like an
ungrateful idiot thinking about canceling because I didn’t want to be reminded
that I had a CL&P…
I hopped on the subway and actually got a lot of reading
done, which I was really happy with because when I have the chance to either
read a book or do anything else (watch TV) I almost always pick something else,
and this makes me feel like a bad English teacher sometimes because I’m very
self-critical as I’m starting to realize.
Anyway, I got to the meeting spot and saw a group of
foreigners chilling on the subway exit steps. I approached them and within
minutes, we were discussing where we were from and I was giving them the
low-down on the Healing Home. I ended up being one of the only people who had
been there before so I felt kind of pro.
We got to the orphanage, cleaned up the playrooms, and
waited for the babies. I actually got to speak with the medical director this
time and received a lot of information about this place which made the
experience all the more enjoyable. The Healing Home actually has quite a few
sponsors and children will always get the medical care they need, regardless of
funds. This made me happy. Nevertheless, it’s my goal to bring a donation
around Christmas time as a present to myself – giving is the best when you have
no idea what the hell you want for Christmas! I had my eye on the little sassy
pants from the last time I was here: why was her cleft unrepaired and everyone
else’s was repaired? What was her medical deal? I asked a bunch of questions
about her and the director said that she had a variety of medical concerns that
had to be dealt with before her cleft could be repaired. I thought about how in
the future, one day, she’d have a normal top and bottom lip and a repaired
double cleft lip and palate. I can’t wait for that day!
Anyway, we were all waiting around for the babies when a
familiar little face popped down the stairs in an Ayi’s arms: Hua Yuan! Casts
off, arms flailing, I made eye contact, smiled, and reached for my little
flower. Just then, another volunteer swooped in and grabbed her –
understandably so. She’s without a doubt the cutest thing to ever exist, so I
get it… but bitch… that’s MY Hua!
The woman who grabbed Hua stood in front of me, so I grabbed
Hua’s little hand and she twisted around and looked at me. She instantly
smiled. I don’t know if she remembered me, but I like to think that she did.
More babies came down and I recognized them all! The 3 year
old (I think her English name is Cathy) came down and skeptically sized
everyone up. The little sassy pants who batted away my glasses was stomping
around while the Ayis were chasing her. She had had a haircut, but I could
never forget that little face. I was determined to make friends with her this
time.
I wasn’t holding a baby at this point, so I was asked to go
to another playroom and watch a few kids as they tossed blocks at each other. I
did this for a bit and then was asked to relocate to the room I spent most of
my time in before. I saw Hua alone, trying to climb up and grab the window so I
made my move. I scooped her up and she looked at me. “Hey little friend!” I
said. With now moveable arms, she grabbed my shirt and brought me in for a hug.
I sat down with her and grabbed a toy for her to grip.
Like déjà vu, Cathy came over, literally pushed Hua off my
leg and scooted herself onto my lap. I couldn’t help but laugh. Hua crawled
away and Cathy sprawled across my entire lap. I grabbed Cathy’s legs and
brought her in for a full body squeeze. She giggled and enjoyed the instant
affection. I once again played my truck game where I rolled the trucks up her
leg and she enjoyed it as she did the last time. Then she found another
volunteer and demanded their attention.
I was sitting on the floor gathering toys when I noticed
little sassy pants looking at me. I waved and made a motion for her to come to
me. She clumsily ran over and hopped straight into my arms. She was very
squirmy so I picked her up and walked around. Then I smiled at her and she
began to make faces. She pursed her lips, clenched what teeth she had and
wiggled her tongue back and forth. I followed suit and repeated her faces.
Then, something that I had never seen before: a big, beautiful smile. Her cheeks
went all the way up and what would have been her top lip exposed her very
deformed palate. She started clapping and wiggled her tongue some more. I then
wiggled my tongue and she loved it. She was so calm this time!
I was told her name was GuoYongHua. When I learned this, I
looked her in the eyes and said “Hello GuoYongHua.” She raised her eyebrows in
a “wait… you know who I am?!” kind of way. It was really cool that she
recognized her name because I noticed the kids weren’t called by their names
very often.
GuoYongHua and I made friends and she made sure to snatch
any toy from kids who tried to play with me. I made sure to sit in a way that I
could accommodate multiple kids on my lap. At one time, I had Cathy, Hua and
GuoYongHua all trying to climb on me – it was bliss.
As I was holding Hua in my arms later on in the day, I
noticed an older boy sitting in the corner reading a book. I went over to him
and sat Hua and I down next to him. “Do you want me to read that with you?” I
asked him. He looked up at me and nodded. I started reading and pointing to the
words, but he just flipped to a random page and said “look, he’s having a
shower” IN ENGLISH. I was shocked. I said “yes, he is” (it was a Dr. Seuss
book). “He’s very clean now,” the boy said (later I found out his English name
was Paul although he told me it was “Book” and thought this was hilarious). We
chatted for a bit and then the kids had to go downstairs for lunch.
After lunch, I walked out into the hall and heard some
giggling coming from one of the rooms. It was Paul! “Hi! I am hiding so mama
can’t find me” he said as he ducked behind the couch. I was not made clear of
the “rules”, if any, for after lunch time, so I went into the room and asked
what he was doing. “I want to read. Will you read with me?” “Sure” I said and
he grabbed a book and hopped up on the couch and leaned over my lap.
“So your name is Paul?” I asked him. He looked up at me like
“how’d you know that?” “My name is Sarah.” “Sarah? There’s two Sarahs!” he told
me. His English wasn’t good enough for him to explain what that meant, but I
gathered that another baby was named Sarah.
We sat on the couch and read a book about different places
in a town. I said “bakery” and Paul “ate” all the bread. “Are you full of food
now?” I asked playfully. “No! I could eat more. Let’s go to the candy shop” he
said as he giggled.
Much like what I learned before, the older kids often fended
for themselves and thus were left alone most of the time. Paul was on cloud
nine that I was giving him some one-on-one. Just then, my leader came by and
said we had to go. Paul was pretty sad about that, but I gave him a hearty
high-five and said I’d be back. And I will.
I already signed up to go on November 28th and I
plan to engage with even more kids than I did this time. Sooner or later,
they’ll all know who Sarah is and be excited to see me and my energetic ass
enter their home every other Saturday.
I felt like a million bucks on Saturday evening. I felt
beautiful and useful and like I had genuinely made some kids very happy. I
think because I feel connected with these kids it makes me a better volunteer.
I’m not saying volunteers have to have a CL&P to enjoy it or be good at it,
but for me, it definitely helps to
have that connection. Every now and then I need to be reminded that this stupid
little scar does not disrupt my life at all. GuoYongHua has a severe unrepaired
cleft and OWNS that orphanage like the sassy little pants she is! She lights up
a room and can actually feed herself successfully, which is a lot to say for a
baby with a double cleft!
I learn so much from these kids and I am so blessed
to be reminded of how good I have it. Do I wish I were born without a cleft lip
and palate? I’m not going to wish for something that will never happen, but I
can say that I think this stupid scar on my face has made me stronger and given
me a lot of internal gifts that I think these babies will also get… and that
makes me feel awesome.
Until next time,
Sarah the cleft Wun
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