That time I spoke flawless Chinese in a cab

Now you all know me as a friendly ass person who loves to communicate and learn new shit because I’m a people person.

So whenever Bernard gets in a taxi (drunk) he usually strikes up a conversation with the cab driver in his broken ass Chinese.

So this evening we were out for a friend’s farewell party and to watch the World Cup and I decided to leave early because I’ve been nauseous and weak all day. Bernard makes sure I know the address of our apartment and I head out to hail a cab.

I walk down the street, flailing. Eventually, a van pulls over and I run over.

This was the conversation we had in the cab. It was all in Chinese but y’all speak English so it’s funnier if I type it in English. This was in (flawless) Chinese, might I remind you once more.

Me: Hello!

Dude: Hello, where are you going?

Me: insert crossroads

Dude: Huh?! Ooohhh names first crossroad

Me: Yes.

[ at this point it’s about 1 minute into the cab ride ]

Me: Do you speak English?

Dude: Huh?

Me: English? You speak it?

Dude: I don’t understand.

Me: Okay, good. I speak small China.

Dude: Huh? I don’t understand.

Me: My Chinese is small.

Dude: Okay…

Me: Apple.

Dude: Mmm.

Me: Rice.

Dude: Ahh. Ahh.

Me: I have. I want. Big. Small.

Dude: sighs, looks at watch Okay…

Me: Good. Very Good. No. Thank you. Hello.

Dude: Huh? What are you saying?

Me: Good.

long pause

Me: I am Canada.

Dude: Huh?!

Me: I from Canada.

Dude: Okay.

Me: I love Shanghai.

Dude: silence, heavy sigh

[ this was the end of our conversation until he asked which way and I said straight and he said ‘are you sure?’ ]

Bitch, I am TRYING to make conversation with you. I know it’s 11pm and I’m white and my Chinese isn’t perfect, but usually people compliment my Chinese and smile when I attempt conversation. I guess he was just over it… or my Chinese was worse than I thought and I insulted his mother. Like an asshole.

I LOVE being lost in translation sometimes. Like when people at work ask what I’m eating, I say, “mei yo pinguo” [not apples]. Hey! I’m right, aren’t I?

I should teach Chinese language classes…

HAH!

Anyway, I’m still nauseous and my bed is calling my name. Until next time (sorry to break up the Sanya posts with my funny ass cab story),

Sarah pinguo is the only Chinese word I know Wun