Bittersweet Moments at Shanghai Healing Home

So once again, on Saturday, I bundled up and headed out on a long subway ride out to Xujian village to volunteer at Shanghai Healing home. I was really excited to see the kids, especially my two favourite girls!

When I got there, we cleaned the toys and the rooms as per usual. I am a seasoned volunteer now, as I was the only person who had been before, so I took the lead and did most of the washing. It was cool! It’s nice to feel familiar in a place you plan to be for a while. We cleaned up the rooms and waited patiently for the babies.

This time, a lot of kids slept in so we had to wait a little longer for playtime. Some boys came down and were sat in the first playroom. I went in and sat next to a bigger boy who was just staring up at the fan. His eyes were huge and curious. I picked him up and sat him on my lap, but his eyes stayed on the fan. I was grabbing at toys and trying to engage this sweet little boy but he just wanted to stare. I then picked him up so he could be higher and closer to the fan, and as I did I was surprised at how heavy he was.

“Oh my, you’re a big one, aren’t you?” I said. I was so used to Hua who was lighter than air. None of the kids had been this heavy. One of the permanent volunteers laughed and said, “Yeah, most of the kids in this room are around 1 year old or younger. He’s three.” I couldn’t believe it. He crawled around like an infant and barely spoke. She noticed the look of curiosity on my face and continued. “He’s in this room because he has a lot of developmental problems and, you know, other things.” I then looked at this boy’s face and for the first time, our eyes sort of met. His eyes were very crossed, but they were beautiful and filled with life.

I smiled, stuck out my tongue, made sounds – tried anything to get him to smile. The Ayis and other volunteers watched as I tried and failed. Then I pushed out my cheeks and blew in his face. He jumped a little and gasped, then giggled. I did it again and he giggled more, but he still didn’t smile. I learned that his smile was just him baring his teeth and scrunching his nose. He didn’t have the facial development to curl his lips or widen his mouth.

He got bored really easily of my puffer fish face so we moved on to another task. I pushed a fire truck towards him, but he didn’t want to play with any of the toys. He wanted to walk – but he couldn’t. I managed to help him stand, but he winced and whined after a few moments because it hurt his weak legs to stand awkwardly for so long. When he pushed himself up to stand, his ribs moved in and out as if he was trying as hard as he could to do a simple task that the other kids could do much easier.

I really enjoyed playing with this little boy and I am looking forward to seeing him again, but I really wanted to see my girls!! I put him down and let him occupy himself once again with the spinning ceiling fan, but he started to cry. I picked him up and took him with me as I went to find the director. “Hey, where’s Guo Yong Hua?” Guo is my little sassy pants with the double unrepaired cleft that I bonded with so well a few weeks ago. “Oh yes her. She’s not here.”

I was a little nervous when he said this. Why wasn’t she there? Was she in the hospital? Did she have an infection? Where was she?!

Not only Guo, but where was Hua Yuan? Where were the two little girls who I’d take home with me right now after feeling so maternal and warm just two weeks prior?

Well, Guo was in the hospital and still is. She’s having her double cleft lip repair surgery!!! The director told me that when I come back, she’ll have a closed lip! I almost cried. I was so excited and now as I sit and type, I an envisioning how she will look, smile, eat, feel, breathe, and just exist. I know she’ll be happier and much healthier too. The director said she’ll likely be sassier, but that’s my little Guo! I can’t wait to see her own the room again like she always does.

As for Hua Yuan… where was she? Great news! Hua was adopted only two days ago to a family in America. J This was a bittersweet moment for me because I knew I’d never see her again. I miss her a lot even though I only met her twice. When I think about having a little wun of my own, I think about Hua. She’s tiny and sweet and has big beautiful brown eyes, just like me and Bernard! Part of me wanted to scoop her up and take her home the first time I laid eyes on her, but I was content just visiting her every other week. Now I can’t do that, but I need to get over my selfish ass! She’s in a better place and will be cared for and loved for the rest of her life in a superior environment.

So great news all around this week at the orphanage. Despite the fact that I didn’t get to see my girls, there are two amazing reasons for it! One life-changing surgery and one life-changing adoption. Good luck Hua, and as for Guo Yong Hua? Girl, I can’t wait to see you even more whole than you were before.

Until next time,

Sarah the happy Wun

Smiles for miles at Shanghai Healing Home!

I couldn’t resist it when I saw a new event open up at the Shanghai Healing Home for Saturday, November 14^th. I signed up immediately weeks ago and after a long and hard week, I had mixed feelings about heading to the orphanage.

I’m not really sure why, but lately I’ve been feeling a lot of hate for my cleft lip and palate. Don’t get me wrong; I don’t ever “like” it, but most of the time we can exist in each other’s space without notice. I was consumed with researching about cleft lip, the side effects and symptoms, the likelihood of ME having a baby with a facial difference, and generally feeling sorry for myself for realistically little reason.

Friday was a stupid day and I kind of wanted to cancel my day at the orphanage the next day, but then I thought why? I felt like an ungrateful idiot thinking about canceling because I didn’t want to be reminded that I had a CL&P…

I hopped on the subway and actually got a lot of reading done, which I was really happy with because when I have the chance to either read a book or do anything else (watch TV) I almost always pick something else, and this makes me feel like a bad English teacher sometimes because I’m very self-critical as I’m starting to realize.

Anyway, I got to the meeting spot and saw a group of foreigners chilling on the subway exit steps. I approached them and within minutes, we were discussing where we were from and I was giving them the low-down on the Healing Home. I ended up being one of the only people who had been there before so I felt kind of pro.

We got to the orphanage, cleaned up the playrooms, and waited for the babies. I actually got to speak with the medical director this time and received a lot of information about this place which made the experience all the more enjoyable. The Healing Home actually has quite a few sponsors and children will always get the medical care they need, regardless of funds. This made me happy. Nevertheless, it’s my goal to bring a donation around Christmas time as a present to myself – giving is the best when you have no idea what the hell you want for Christmas! I had my eye on the little sassy pants from the last time I was here: why was her cleft unrepaired and everyone else’s was repaired? What was her medical deal? I asked a bunch of questions about her and the director said that she had a variety of medical concerns that had to be dealt with before her cleft could be repaired. I thought about how in the future, one day, she’d have a normal top and bottom lip and a repaired double cleft lip and palate. I can’t wait for that day!

Anyway, we were all waiting around for the babies when a familiar little face popped down the stairs in an Ayi’s arms: Hua Yuan! Casts off, arms flailing, I made eye contact, smiled, and reached for my little flower. Just then, another volunteer swooped in and grabbed her – understandably so. She’s without a doubt the cutest thing to ever exist, so I get it… but bitch… that’s MY Hua!

The woman who grabbed Hua stood in front of me, so I grabbed Hua’s little hand and she twisted around and looked at me. She instantly smiled. I don’t know if she remembered me, but I like to think that she did.

More babies came down and I recognized them all! The 3 year old (I think her English name is Cathy) came down and skeptically sized everyone up. The little sassy pants who batted away my glasses was stomping around while the Ayis were chasing her. She had had a haircut, but I could never forget that little face. I was determined to make friends with her this time.

I wasn’t holding a baby at this point, so I was asked to go to another playroom and watch a few kids as they tossed blocks at each other. I did this for a bit and then was asked to relocate to the room I spent most of my time in before. I saw Hua alone, trying to climb up and grab the window so I made my move. I scooped her up and she looked at me. “Hey little friend!” I said. With now moveable arms, she grabbed my shirt and brought me in for a hug. I sat down with her and grabbed a toy for her to grip.

Like déjà vu, Cathy came over, literally pushed Hua off my leg and scooted herself onto my lap. I couldn’t help but laugh. Hua crawled away and Cathy sprawled across my entire lap. I grabbed Cathy’s legs and brought her in for a full body squeeze. She giggled and enjoyed the instant affection. I once again played my truck game where I rolled the trucks up her leg and she enjoyed it as she did the last time. Then she found another volunteer and demanded their attention.

I was sitting on the floor gathering toys when I noticed little sassy pants looking at me. I waved and made a motion for her to come to me. She clumsily ran over and hopped straight into my arms. She was very squirmy so I picked her up and walked around. Then I smiled at her and she began to make faces. She pursed her lips, clenched what teeth she had and wiggled her tongue back and forth. I followed suit and repeated her faces. Then, something that I had never seen before: a big, beautiful smile. Her cheeks went all the way up and what would have been her top lip exposed her very deformed palate. She started clapping and wiggled her tongue some more. I then wiggled my tongue and she loved it. She was so calm this time!

I was told her name was GuoYongHua. When I learned this, I looked her in the eyes and said “Hello GuoYongHua.” She raised her eyebrows in a “wait… you know who I am?!” kind of way. It was really cool that she recognized her name because I noticed the kids weren’t called by their names very often.

GuoYongHua and I made friends and she made sure to snatch any toy from kids who tried to play with me. I made sure to sit in a way that I could accommodate multiple kids on my lap. At one time, I had Cathy, Hua and GuoYongHua all trying to climb on me – it was bliss.

As I was holding Hua in my arms later on in the day, I noticed an older boy sitting in the corner reading a book. I went over to him and sat Hua and I down next to him. “Do you want me to read that with you?” I asked him. He looked up at me and nodded. I started reading and pointing to the words, but he just flipped to a random page and said “look, he’s having a shower” IN ENGLISH. I was shocked. I said “yes, he is” (it was a Dr. Seuss book). “He’s very clean now,” the boy said (later I found out his English name was Paul although he told me it was “Book” and thought this was hilarious). We chatted for a bit and then the kids had to go downstairs for lunch.

  

After lunch, I walked out into the hall and heard some giggling coming from one of the rooms. It was Paul! “Hi! I am hiding so mama can’t find me” he said as he ducked behind the couch. I was not made clear of the “rules”, if any, for after lunch time, so I went into the room and asked what he was doing. “I want to read. Will you read with me?” “Sure” I said and he grabbed a book and hopped up on the couch and leaned over my lap.

“So your name is Paul?” I asked him. He looked up at me like “how’d you know that?” “My name is Sarah.” “Sarah? There’s two Sarahs!” he told me. His English wasn’t good enough for him to explain what that meant, but I gathered that another baby was named Sarah.

We sat on the couch and read a book about different places in a town. I said “bakery” and Paul “ate” all the bread. “Are you full of food now?” I asked playfully. “No! I could eat more. Let’s go to the candy shop” he said as he giggled.

Much like what I learned before, the older kids often fended for themselves and thus were left alone most of the time. Paul was on cloud nine that I was giving him some one-on-one. Just then, my leader came by and said we had to go. Paul was pretty sad about that, but I gave him a hearty high-five and said I’d be back. And I will.

I already signed up to go on November 28^th and I plan to engage with even more kids than I did this time. Sooner or later, they’ll all know who Sarah is and be excited to see me and my energetic ass enter their home every other Saturday.

I felt like a million bucks on Saturday evening. I felt beautiful and useful and like I had genuinely made some kids very happy. I think because I feel connected with these kids it makes me a better volunteer. I’m not saying volunteers have to have a CL&P to enjoy it or be good at it, but for me, it definitely helps to have that connection. Every now and then I need to be reminded that this stupid little scar does not disrupt my life at all. GuoYongHua has a severe unrepaired cleft and OWNS that orphanage like the sassy little pants she is! She lights up a room and can actually feed herself successfully, which is a lot to say for a baby with a double cleft! 

I learn so much from these kids and I am so blessed to be reminded of how good I have it. Do I wish I were born without a cleft lip and palate? I’m not going to wish for something that will never happen, but I can say that I think this stupid scar on my face has made me stronger and given me a lot of internal gifts that I think these babies will also get… and that makes me feel awesome.

Until next time,

Sarah the cleft Wun