Wunce upon a Time in Shanghai

 Sarah’s first day off without Bernard Part 1:

I hope this isn’t Viagra…

So I dropped off Bernard at work this afternoon because we unfortunately do not have the same days off, much to my adamant request. Assholes.

Anyway, I decided to venture out into Shanghai and do some errands on my own and embrace my independence and knowledge of Mandarin (lol… that would be none…).  

IMAGE :

An intersection near our apartment. Notice the scooters riding into oncoming traffic. WELCOME TO CHINA!

So Bernard and I both have really bad coughs at the moment. For those of you who haven’t heard, Shanghai’s AQI these days is hitting the 500+ digits and therefore, we’ve both been breathing in satanic amounts of pollution, no jokes. So I sound like the Exorcist on a rampage and he sounds not that much better. Last night, I spent the night coughing every 2 seconds… it was pleasant.

So I hunted for a pharmacy. Unlike Canada, you cannot get medicine anywhere. All the stores are generally divided, so you have to go to a pharmacy for cough drops, for example. I walked into this green place with a plus sign (plus sign is pharmacy, right?). I walked around until I found what looked like a doctor’s office and a bunch of what I knew was medicine behind a counter. I asked the woman, “Do you have medicine for?” in Mandarin and then coughed. She told me to go upstairs. I UNDERSTOOD! Feeling confident.

Upstairs was a busier, bigger looking pharmacy type place. Four older Asian ladies were standing behind the counter talking. I walked up. Ni hao! I asked, “Do you have medicine for?” and then coughed. She said something and rushed over to a counter and brought back three packages. She pointed to one, said something, and then made a sucking noise. I figured they were cough drops. I had bought Halls the week before, so I didn’t want to pay for more of that type of thing, so I said “Wo yo” (which is obviously spelt wrong, but you get it), which means “I have” and then she pointed to the other packages and made a cough sound so I said “ah ah ah” and nodded. (That’s kind of what people do when, I guess, they mean “okay” or “yea, that’s cool” or “I feel you bro”… I don’t know). Anyway, she tried to give me two, but I insisted just one and asked, “How much?” in Mandarin, forgetting that I don’t know numbers. She told me and wrote it down IN MANDARIN and gave me like a prescription and told me to take it to another counter. Shit. Well, I guess I’ll have to buy it now…

IMAGE:Me being confused about what I just bought.

I went to the next counter and the woman took my script and told me in Mandarin the price. I looked at her, said sorry, I don’t know in Mandarin, and she took out a calculator and typed in 30. THANK GOODNESS! I said YAY and she laughed. I gave her 30 RMB and she gave me a pink slip and told me to go back to the old Asian lady. I did and she gave me the medicine. SUCCESS! Now let’s hope this is actually cough medicine and not Viagra! I thanked the ladies profusely and apologized for my Mandarin crapness. They told me not to worry and waved me goodbye. I was SO proud of myself, you have no idea!!! 3 weeks in Shanghai and I hadn’t been ANYWHERE without Bernard who actually knows how to pretend he knows Mandarin. His appearance also helps…

I continued on to the department store to pick up cleaning products (we’ve been in our apartment for a week and we’re convinced the last tenant never cleaned. It’s a gorgeous, bright, clean apartment; but in China, apparently if you don’t dust hourly, it’s like you live in a dinosaur fossil). So I went to the department store where I had even more entertaining encounters, but that’s another blog that I’ll write shortly.

Back to the cough medicine (I hope!).

I got home and opened the package of meds. It had a creepy, vacuum-sealed silver package that had a funny texture to it. I feared. I pulled out the instructions and stared at the Mandarin like a jackass because naturally I have no prayer knowing what it says. Then, the best thing in the world happened: I turned over the paper AND THERE WAS AN ENGLISH SIDE TO THE DIRECTIONS (image)! Thank Christ!!!!

So classic China: I kid you not, this medicine says

[Composition]: Guangdong earthworm (excuse me?!), dried human placenta (ZHE SHE SHEN ME, bitch?! “what is this?!”), and streptococcus and other weird science things THAT AREN’T WORM AND PLACENTA!

[Description]: Brown.

Thank you description. You are SO helpful.

Anyway, I’m really glad the medicine instructions were in English because it was vital to know these pills need to be taken after meals and one should take them 3 times a day. Good to know!

So I’m going to eat a red bean bun and down one of these bad boys. If I survive, I will write a blog about my hilarious adventures trying to buy Swiffer cloths! My Christ it was an ordeal. I figured that people would leave me alone because I’m some oblivious white chick who can’t speak Mandarin. NOPE! Quite the opposite. They won’t leave me alone! BU YAO!

So I bought medicine and luckily it’s for what I have, sort of: “used to cure relieve panting and simple chronic bronchitis”. Close enough. Sigh. Oh China. I need to learn Mandarin! CORRECTION: I need to learn how to UNDERSTAND Mandarin!!! That’s my problem. I say something confidently and they respond and I just go .____.

HAH! J Adventure time is ALL the time in Shanghai.

With love,

Sarah is-about-to-eat-earthworms-and-placenta Wun