DJ Chris Jesus in the house!!!

I had my grade 6 students do the following homework over the 4 day Christmas long weekend:

-- Tell me what a holiday is and what it means to you. Tell me about your favourite holiday.

The students wrote mostly about Chinese New Year and the Moon festival, but a couple of them wrote about Christmas and let me tell you, some of the things they wrote were magical.

So it's hard not to love my students when they do things like bring Jimby (the class mascot; also known as Paul's monkey that he gave me to bring overseas and is now one of the most popular monkeys among my 6s) a Canadian sweater from Vancouver airport because they don't want him to get cold in my office when I go home on weekends. Omg...

So my students are the most creative kids on the planet, but their ESL-ness just adds to how awesome and creative the homework I receive is. Here are some golden moments from the holiday homework assignment:

“My favorite holiday is Christmas because in the Christmas you will get the gifts from the Santa Claus (our parents). Our parents sneak into our room and put the things in Christmas sock not Santa. Our parents do this because Santa Claus is not.”

Santa Claus is not. He just isn’t, okay?!?!?! This is the greatest thing I’ve ever read. So real… So logical. This kid knows the truth. Santa Claus (our parents) is the true meaning of Christmas.

This response was about holiday traditions:

“I think traditions is something the old people in your family are telling you to do some little stupid things. For example my grandma always tells me to eat some Double Ninth cake. Although they are sticky and yummy, I still don’t understand why I have to eat some weird cake in this festival. Well the answer it ‘no argue just do what old people says’ because I have to obey.”

HAHAHA! Some little stupid things. Hey you, eat this stupid little weird cake! Just do it. That is essentially what traditions are all about. Nailed it.

The next one is about Thanksgiving, and can I just say that this kid is a hero and a scholar? Here you go:

“At the Thanks Give, Americans eat the turkey and other foods and take land away from the Injuns. The Injuns eat the food too but not with the Americans. The Injuns Thanks Give in other way.”

Guys, guys! When was the last time you heard the word injuns!? I believe I heard it when I was watching Peter Pan  17 years ago! Oh man is this great. This kid warms my heart. He also wrote this gem:

“I prayed to Santa for some wonderful gifts and I got some wonderful gifts. Oh Christmas is so magical I want to wish you and yours the Merriest Christmas and the happiest New Years. I pray for no homework this holiday but you gave us some.”

So now I’m Satan… I gave this kid homework on CHRISTMAS?! Such a dick.

Among all 17 responses, this next masterpiece tops EVERYthing I read about “Western” holidays. This incredible response to the meaning of Christmas made me laugh out loud, almost to the point of peeing myself, and I couldn't help but read it over again to make sure it was actually what I read. 

Brace yourself for the greatest moment of 2014:

“Today I’m going to tell about Christmas. Christmas is one of my favorite festivals. Let me have a little bit of Christmas’s introduction and talk about my own experience of Christmas.
Christmas is a festival that celebrates Chris Jesus as he was born at this day.”

CHRIS JESUS?!?!?! YES! Immediately I thought, ‘this is the greatest DJ name I’ve ever heard’. Ladies and gentlemen, how are you all doing this evening?! Are you ready to party like we’re in the North Pole, where all the straight up gangsters live? Let me hear some noise for DJ Chris Jesus!!! DJ Chris Jesus in the house right nowwwww!

(Don't believe me and think I'm making this shit up?! BOOM! I took a picture of this response for posterity:)

I read this response to my coworker and, I shit you not, he said VERBATIM, “Chris Jesus would be a sweet DJ name.” So there you have it. I now have to become a DJ and adopt the name Chris Jesus. Hey Sean! Can you change your DJ name to Chris Jesus? I’d be so happy if you did!!! (Shout out to my friend Sean who’s a DJ and will, from this day forward, be referred to by me as DJ Chris Jesus).

So my Christmas gift from my class was clearly some huge smiles and even bigger laughs. They actually did give me a Christmas gift: a jar of warm wishes all personalized for me. I almost cried when I read them. These kids are seriously just a bundle of cotton candy in the form of Chinese children. What did I do to deserve all this glory every day of the week! 

These kids warm my heart. From the stupid little weird cakes to Parent Claus to Chris Jesus – the true meaning of Christmas, didn’t you know?! – what a day.

What I didn’t capture, but what very much happened, was in the same responses about the Injuns and Chris Jesus were claims that Santa Claus was not real, but these kids had faith!

“I always believe in Santa Claus even though he is my mom.”

“My brother and classmates tells me Santa Clause is not real but at Christmas I sprint to the sofa and stay there for many times and then it is 3 a.m. in morning and I don’t see Santa Claus because my parents tells me Santa Clause is not real. But I still want to wait for Santa Clause and believe in Santa Clause.”

The dedication!! I BELIEVE!! The passion in these kids… They believe in Santa and want to eat turkey with the Injuns and not have to eat stupid cakes if they don’t want to. The world is a beautiful place.

In conclusion, I firmly believe at least 50% of my grade 6 class is made up of Care Bears dressed as Chinese kids. If you saw my favourite little guy (let’s call him G) skipping around at 7am on the deserted playground waiting for me and Bernard to walk up to breakfast just so he could say HELLO MRS. SARAH AND MR. BERNARD. HAVE A GREAT DAY!!! and then skip away leaving a trail of happiness and sunshine behind him, omg, you would never have a bad day ever again. Everyone, rightly so, is jealous because he is my student and not theirs.

Also, it’s relevant to know that school begins at 8am… he just comes early to hopefully catch a glimpse of his favourite teachers and wave at them emphatically like we are One Direction and he’s a screaming fan girl.

My life is the best… holy shit.

Happy 2015! I promise to blog more hilarious stories this year even though I work 56 hours a day. Blame my father! He instilled the hardworking gene in me! And by hardworking, I mean hardestworking. J

Yours truly,

Sarah teaching hilarious Wuns