GOOD MORNING, with love, your unwanted tenants!!!!

Listen,
I can handle most bugs.
I've seen a centipede in the shower... no big.... I just remained dirty for a period of time.
Spiders have crawled across the floor of my house, across the arm of my sweater... no big... I just flick them away and tell them gently to leave me the hell alone.
Ants... bitch, I destroy their universe with the tip of my finger. No big.

But... but... this is where my story could get graphic for those of you with bug fears.
This is no bug I'm dealing with. This is satan's spawn. I promise you.

This morning I decided to stay in bed for another 30 minutes as work is dying down and I don't have to sign in as early. Bernard still does, unfortunately, but he told me to stay in bed so I did. I thought the universe was aligned. I thought no negative thoughts. I was nestled lovely in my stiff, hard, but reasonable bed in my Abu Dhabi apartment. The air conditioning was on. The blankets were covering me. I was happy -- snug as a bug in a rug. Snug as a BUG. NOT SNUG! BUGS!!!!!

So I'm legit sleeping, okay? And I feel a tickle on my arm. I shake. I feel another tickle so I open my eyes and see a giant black dot scurry off my arm. I'MAWAKE! So I get up, making a "MMMAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" like whining noise and turn on the light. Bernard is like "What's wrong?" and sees me cowering by the light. That's when I said something I thought I'd NEVER have to say:

Bernard: Is it a spider?
Me: I WISH!

I wish. Who wishes for a damn spider?!?!?! SOMEONE WHO HAS A ROACH IN THEIR BED, THAT'S WHO!

Jesus, as I type, I'm darting my eyes all over the apartment for these fuckers. I see nothing. Hopefully there was just one. OH WAIT NO!

You see, this wasn't a cute fuck cute, roaches are never cute baby bug. This was a giant "check out my pores and fear my wrath" kind of bug. It was just standing all mighty in place in the far left side of our bed where it crawled, I maintain, FROM THE SLEEVE OF MY JAMAS! I told Bernard that "that thing came out of me!!!!" and he was like "What do you mean came OUT of you? It came from the bed" and I said "THAT'S WORSE!!!"

Currently, our bed spreads are soaking in hot water. I plan on remaining on HIGH alert for the duration of our stay in Abu Dhabi.

Fun fact: If you come to Abu Dhabi, come for a visit so you'll be in a gorgeous hotel (the hotels here, at least the ones we've experienced, are out of this world beautiful, amazing, CLEAN, and worth it). Do not live here. You'll be in an ass apartment where roaches will party around you.

Listen, I've come to terms with the 1am raves in the kitchen. Go for it roaches. They know that once the lights come on, they peace FOREVER. I've come to terms with seeing the odd roach dart from one dark corner to the next. Cool... as long as you plan on being killed by my FEARLESS husband, you son of a bitch. I've come to terms with roaches in the Middle East. What I REFUSE to come to terms with is a ROACH ON. MY. ARM.

How DARE you touch me?
And to answer your question, yes, I am just freshly out of the shower. OBVIOUSLY! I had ROACH on me.

For those of you STILL wondering why I'm so .______o about this situation, I must clarify some facts about the cockroach:

#1. The cockroach is the ugliest motherfucking bug in the history of the universe.
#2. Cockroaches are VERY hard to kill.
#3. Cockroaches are fast and furious.
#4. Cockroaches are intelligent and badass and thus never leave.
#5. Cockroaches are sexually active. They are always producing and if you find one, there's consequently a million more. Always.
#6. Cockroaches are ugly.
#7. There's a reason Canadians love being Canadian. When has your ass last seen a cockroach? I know they exist in Canada, but not as much as here, I imagine. If I had a dirham for all the roaches I've seen in this country, I'd have about 54. 54 is too many!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Also, they do NOT look like this:

I wish.

Like I said before, they are the spawn of satan, so naturally, this is the beast I often see:

Holy shit, I just did a google image search and cried. I can't even post a picture. My mother sees this! She'll be scarred!!! 

Alas, if you want to see a roach, google the Papa Roach album cover and there's a roach on the front. A small, unMiddle Eastern roach so it's not an adequate depiction of the satanic beast I talk about, but still.

Let's pretend roaches look like that ^ and all is fine.

All I have to say is this: Bitch, I haaaate cockroaches. I can't even type the word without freaking out a bit. I have NO problem with most bugs, but if I see another one of these motherfuckers, I will have NO problem spending my year's savings in dirhams at a hotel for 3 weeks until we fly away from this roach infested apartment.

To be honest, I'm being super dramatic. Before this morning, I hadn't seen one worth commenting on in months... but SERIOUSLY. ON ME?!?!?! Traumatized.

Here's some cute cartoons to unscare you. Me? Well, I actually face the real deal, so unfortunately, I can't escape roachtopia. 

Stop your crying! I don't feel bad for you!!! Get OUT of my houuuuuuse! 

You aren't cute. You are this ---> 

Sorry if I scared you with this. If I can look at this face and not even flinch, I bet you can imagine just how scary roaches are! I won't even post a picture! SERIOUSLY!

Alright, I gotta go to work. Wish me luck that I an sleep tonight! :)

Yours,

Sarah "hates cockroaches so much she's willing to cut off her own arm to sell and earn enough money to pay for a hotel for every single night until she leaves" Wun