Badass level: Expert.

Sarah's adventures in roach-land

So upon arriving in Asia, I knew I’d have to face some of my fears: heat, crowds, bugs…

Long story short, we see about 43278967589743 disgusting, invincible, powerful, “will take over the world because we never die” roaches in our apartment each week. Bernard kills 99% of them because despite my being a badass, they scare the Christ out of me.

First week here: I saw a roach at 2pm… I didn’t sleep thatevening.

Two weeks ago: I saw a roach in our motherfucking BEDROOM. Ididn’t sleep that evening…

This evening (5 months in to homeing in Asia)…

Get ready:

So I’m washing the dishes, right? And let me tell you… our disgusting ass kitchen (clean as hell and perfectly maintained, but terrible and disgusting as hell) is like a nightclub for these motherfuckers.

So I’m washing the dishes and I see not one, not two, butSIX goddamn roaches crawling around like they a boss! (ß this is not a typo. I get slang when I’m passionate).

So I see these roaches and I think, Bitch, please. I did not run away and cry. I did not think, “I’m not going to sleep tonight”, NO! I stopped washing, got pissed that I had to stop washing, and killed five of those bitches RIGHT there. The sixth disappeared. Literally, vanished. It either

a)    Zoomed away at lightning speed and teleported into my bathroom OR

b)   Put on its roach invisibility cloak and Harry Pottered the hell outta there!

Either way: Asshole. Bitch, I WILL find you tomorrow and I will crush your body so hard, you’ll WISH I had killed you the night before so you could have the evening to deal with it in roach hell!

Again, long story short: I killed some roaches this evening. Badass. Bernard usually kills them (Bernard is sleeping. It’s 11:30pm. It’s a work night. I SHOULD be sleeping… but I saw a roach… so I’m a little nervous,not going to lie). So because he’s sleeping, I had to deal with it. Usually, I just whine and then he BAMS the sluts with his powerful ass sandal.

But today, no. None of that. Today, my badass level wentfrom almost badass to expert double cap locks BADASS. Check it. Roaches, no vacancy. Suck it!

PS. Roaches, if you are reading this, I mean none of it. I’m terrified of you. Please stay the hell away from me. I am uncomfortable being in the same continent as you let alone the same apartment. Take my kidney! Hell, take my furniture! I’ll give you money… just DON’T scare the Jesus out of me when I’m in the kitchen, k? I hate you. Xoxox. Good night.

With love,

Sarah the I-hate-cockroaches-more-than-any-other-bug-EVER Wun

PSS. Stay tuned for Bernard’s graphic two cents. I’m sure he’ll tell you the story where I killed a pregnant roach and all its babies skittered away. Disgusting. I’ll save you all the shudder factor and NOT post a picture of a nasty ass cockroach. You know what these uglies look like, and if you don’t, I DARE you to google “oriental cockroach”.  Brave.